Signs that civilization is about to fail (part II)

So a respected contemporary of mine thinks the world is not about to end and everything is just fine.  A quick scan of the BBC World News page today yielded some of these delightful news nuggets


The Dow Jones index fell 7% and suffered its biggest ever one-day points fall, ending 778 down.

Ivorians tried for mass poisoning

The leaders of Austria's two far-right parties have hailed the results of snap general elections, which saw their support doubling since the 2006 polls.

What would financial Armageddon look like?

Child bodies found in US freezer

So in summary, everyone's broke, people are so desperate to make money they'll happily dump lethally toxic chemicals directly into a public water supply, Austrians can't see the harm in voting for the far right (what could possibly go wrong this time?), the BBC editorials sound like a pitch for another Mad Max sequel, and people are killing their kids and stuffing them in next to the frozen pork chops. Apart from that everything is fine and dandy. Well tomorrow, I'm stocking up on canned food, replacing the back porch stairs with a retractable ladder and then I'm going to stay upstairs and live off cats milk till it's safe to come out

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Reasons why Africa is better to live in than North America (part I)

OK, so I know I'm going out on a limb here, but bear with me. First let's take a look at this similar scenario being played out in two very different places.

A law that landed a Florida teenager in jail for having sagging jeans that exposed his underwear is unconstitutional, a judge has decided.

Never mind the fact that walking aroond with your Calvin Kleins showing is about as classy as having a car on bricks in front of your house, what the fuck does the Constitution have to do with punishing teenagers who think it's cool to walk around dressed like a mentally subnormal gangbanger who can't operate a belt?

Look again at the picture at the top of this entry. I know what you're thinking. Pull 'em up you tool. Sometimes the law needs to save us from ourselves. Contrast the above with this charming story from Uganda:

Uganda's ethics and integrity minister says miniskirts should be banned - because women wearing them distract drivers and cause traffic accidents.

I agree! Who hasn't nearly mowed down half a dozen pedestrians because they were distracted by the ...um scenery. He goes on to say,

"What's wrong with a miniskirt? You can cause an accident because some of our people are weak mentally," he said.

He's right. Most of us are weak mentally. We can't trust ourselves to keep our eyes on the road. Nanny state, did I hear you say? Pah! What we need is more restrictions on what we wear, not less. Hats off to the Ugandan Ethics Minister and a question to the US government - Where's our Ethics Minister?

Signs that civilization is about to fail(part III)

I found the following helpful advice today written on the side of a box of Weight Watchers ice cream bars:

"This product, when extremely cold, may stick to warm lips or tongue. Allow to warm slightly before eating"

Something is wrong, deeply and irrevocably wrong when consumers need instructions on how to eat an ice cream bar. Stop the world, I want to get off.

Wait, which one are we again?

If you want to show off your city's environmental credentials, why not spend thousands of tax payers cash on printing a leaflet about recycling with a picture of the wrong city on the front? The 720,000 residents of Birmingham, England who were sent the leaflets by the local council were suprised to discover the entire city had apparently spontaneously changed into Birmingham, Alabama.

I went to university in Birmingham (the English one). They have two boring football teams and until they knocked it all down, one of the ugliest city centers in Europe (Soviet-Bloc style but with more drunks) and funny accents. So maybe pretending they're another city wasn't such a bad idea.

I can't wait for the olympics (part IV)

I'm pleased to hear that the Chinese are going to be putting their best foot forward this August, when the games begin;

Beijing citizens have been told not to pick their noses, yawn or scratch their heads when talking to foreigners during the Olympics......Ordinary people have also been given detailed instructions on how to talk to disabled people during the Paralympics. (Beijingers told to mind their manners)

Well obviously they wouldn't want Western journalists and visitors to see anything offensive.

Signs that civilization is about to fail (part II)

It seems my previous post was eerily prescient, if this article is anything to go by. The report claims we have only 'one hundred months to prevent dangerous global warming'. Of course by going along with this, I am breaking my own rule about not getting involved in gloabl warming debates as I posted just a couple of weeks ago. Mind you, with punishments like death by stoning still being handed down by some judiciaries, maybe we should just let global warming do its worst to us; we're obviously such a screwed-up species, maybe a nice long ice-age/nuclear winter/near-extinction-level event would do us all some good.

Signs that civilization is about to fail (part I)

No one should be able to look at this, and not feel just a little bit depressed.

Events that should be in the Olympics (so that Britain would win more gold medals)

Pub sports.

Let's face it, this is definitely our strong suit. Darts, cribbage, skittles, snooker, you name it; if you can drink ten pints of lager and smoke a pack of bensons while you're playing it, we're world beaters. When was the last time anyone won a darts tournament weighing in at less than about 225 pounds?


The modern triathlon (drinking, throwing chairs at the police, fighting foreigners).

OK, so we might have been resting on our laurels here recently, especially after a disappointing showing at the 2002 and 2006 World Cups, and we'd definitely face stiff competition from Europe and Argentina. However the skills of our mighty island people are well established, as stadiums, cafe owners and and outdoor garden funiture manufacturers across Europe will attest.



"....our culture is clearly superior to yours
and here's a chair in the face to underline my undeniable logic ......"

Cultural looting.

The Elgin Marbles, the Stone of Destiny, Cleopatra's Needle and most of the contents of the British Museum all have one thing in common. We stole them. Not content with subjugating half the known world to British rule at one time or another, we also helped ourselves to anything shiny that looked like it might be expensive, or 'really tied the room together'.

Teaching sports to foreigners (and then losing to them all the time).

We invented cricket, rugby and the modern game of association football and then generously shared them with the rest of the world. In six rugby world cups, eighteen football world cups, thirteen UEFA championships and nine cricket world cups, we've managed a pathetic two winners trophies. At the first two world cups, we were so sure of our dominance in the sport, that we actually didn't bother turning up. A change to this tactic has not seen a considerable improvement in results.

In England, sport is used to teach youngsters about coping with pain, despair and failure.

I can't wait for the Olympics (part III)

The Chinese may have been early pace setters in the arms race, with the invention of gunpowder, but have lagged behind more recently in weapons technology. I think their armed-police-on-segways idea could be a real winner though.















Of course beefing up domestic security before a major international event like the Olympics makes sense. But wouldn't it be cooler if they could make this into an Olympic event?

The Russian tunnel of death

Icy conditions in one of Europe's longest tunnels plus crazy Russian drivers equals lots of crashes. But well done to the bus driver about halfway through the clip. He should be a rally driver with skills like that.

I can't wait for the Olympics (part II)

Th algae clogging the water in the harbor adjoining the Olympic Sailing Center might just impede some of the yachting events. I'm glad to see they decided to take care of this beforehand.










Of course if the algae doesn't get you, then the smog will...........

Why Britain is great

We're the only nation who could build an empire encompassing, at one point, a third of the world's population, dressed like that. Plus once we'd left some of the more backward colonies to rot (Australia), we stole the few decent things they had (like Kylie).

The weather (and other stuff).

Today I was thinking about how awful the weather is in Chicago (colder than a witches tit in the winter, sauna-like in the summer, and dangerously unpredictable the rest of the time) and decided I should blog this. However many of my friends (and my wife) are only too quick to tell me how boring my meteorological diatribes are, so I canned that idea. Then it crossed my mind that I could just segue into a piece about global warming, but I decided I don't know enough about the subject to really make a reasonable argument either way. And that's exactly the problem.

Climate change and its apparent causes has been persistently debated throughout all forms of mass media and in more countries than any other global issue, even with all the current hysteria about rising food and oil prices (and it doesn't take a PhD to see that these are all part of the same problem). Yet the real problem with the global warming debate is that pretty much 99% of the public (and that includes the media and politicians) don't have a frigging clue what they are talking about, myself included.

Every newspaper letters page, online message board, chat room, and water cooler resounds to the noise of people tossing around ill-understood, half-baked concepts to try and prove that they are right; either that we're all going to drown under rising oceans, if the hurricanes don't get us first; or that the entire thing is some concoction of liberal-fascist-eco-pornographers who want our tax dollars (and I have read those exact words used by a supposedly educated person). So the next time someone leans across the table in a bar and drunkenly opines that "actually we're just in a warm spell of what is really another ice age", tell them to stop spouting what they heard on the radio and to fuck off and read a real book instead.

I can't wait for the Olympics

China's obviously got the infrastructure in place to host the largest sporting competition in the world.

A new home......

No, not for me and Kim, we're still living with the in-laws. We sold our condo so fast we didn't actually get around to looking for a place of our own, which in retrospect may have been an oversight. No, the new home refers to my blog which I have relocated to blogger.com, mainly because it syncs with this rather nifty new browser flock, which is well worth downloading and trying out, especially if you spend a lot of time online blogging, sharing photos, using facebook etc. Plus it integrates very well with Firefox. I have imported over most of the existing entries from my blog, so you can read my words of wisdom over and over again. However the comments were lost in the move, so please leave some glowing praise (or uncultured death threats, however you see fit). Bookmark this link please for hours of browsing pleasure.

Pike's Peak

While I was in England at a friend's wedding, giving my liver its annual road test, my father-in-law, Ron, and Ginny, my wife's sister, decided to climb Pike's Peak, Colorado. At more than 14,000 feet above sea level, the conditions at the summit are pretty hazardous but well worth it for the spectacular views. It made my knees hurt just looking at the photos.

A few things I don't miss about London (plus one I do)

'm in London for a friend's wedding and it's the first time I've set foot on home soil in nearly two years. I know what I miss about the place, but a few of London's annoyances had slipped my mind.

Pigeons

Ok, so every city has it's fair share of winged rats, but nowhere else on earth have I seen them quite so diseased and malformed. Everywhere I turn there are hordes of feathered vermin, staggering around blindly on twisted one-toed feet, feeding off cigarette butts and vomit.

No window screens

I get the reasons why most buildings in the UK don't have air conditioning; summers never used to be this warm; it's too expensive retro-fitting old homes; it's bad for the environment; blah, blah, blah. But if that means keeping the windows open most of the summer, wouldn't it be logical to install screens; if only to prevent every insect in the country from biting you, drinking your blood, and laying eggs in your face while you sleep?

Graffiti

Whilst walking by the river a few days ago we saw a sign over a footbridge which declared 'Bridge closed for repairs due to vandalism'. This was clearly a futile enterrpise, seeing as the sign announcing the planned clean up was itself already covered in graffiti. It's everywhere; on walls, bus stops, garage doors, the sides of houses, even homeless people (OK, I made that last one up). It's so prevalent that I think it's almost invisible to Londoners now.

Something I do still miss though........

A decent pint

American. Beer. Is. Rubbish.

How the world could have been?

So the above (click on it to see larger image) is supposedly how the US thought the world should be have been divided up after the second world war. Britain seem to have been left with the scraps, while Canada seems to have been aborbed into the USA in a disturbing ameoba-eating-another-amoeba sort of way. And isn't calling Israel "Hebrewland" a bit too 'shopping-mall'? I'm especially amused by the text underneath the map

"For reasons of history...................................and the welfare of mankind.................the USA must altruistically assume leadership of te newly established democratic order".

Of course the dated stamp on the map is a bit too convenient and it's obviously just another internet prank, but still...........


Here's a alternative (thanks to Tony ) view of the world. Actually I think a lot of people still see the world this way

Thank you NASA

Warning: The following entry contains a picture of Mars so exciting, that persons of a nervous disposition should look away.

The scientific community has been thrown into uproar by the recent revelations that the surface of Mars is rocky and lifeless. Leading astronomers lined up to renounce their previously held belief that Mars was composed of a jello crust and populated by giant walking tree-people. At a cost of $457 million, the recent unmanned mission to Mars has been great value for money, as well as producing exciting images such as the one below. I bet Canada's glad they threw in $37 million towards the cost......................

The price of gas

There's been a lot of complaining in the news here recently about the price of gas in Chicago being the highest in the country (average price is about $4.20/gallon). Take a look at these examples to see that some folk have it got it much worse (all prices in US dollars).

Australia - $5.60/gallon
United Kingdom - $8.16/gallon
Denmark $9.20/gallon
Turkey - $10.14/gallon
Sierra Leone - $18.43/gallon.

With an average annual income of about $140, I'm guessing fuel efficiency is a must when buying a car in Sierra Leone (assuming your principal concern isn't avoiding a premature death from starvation, AIDS, being hacked to death by the rampaging croneys of tribal warlords etc).